Old Mothers tales...

People of the World,

Eurgh! I hate my Mum. She is such a horrible, mean, self-obsessed, over-weight and ugly piece of shit, and she is also mean about my friends behind their backs; calling one of them lardy and another anorexic. All because I wouldn't tidy away my socks and I had a go at my sister, who was mocking me saying; "Oh, Maddie can't sort out her socks because she is different."
I mean, fuck her... fuck them both, my mum and the miserable shit I call *ahem* a sister. Stupid bitches.
Fucking Hell, she is doing it again!!!!!! Can she ever stop?????? Will she ever stop?????
Chances are, she probably won't until I buy her a house in the Carribean. That's OK, though, it means one less wedding invitation to write and one less Cristmas present to buy.
This is the other incident;
"Mum, the 'H' button is stuck,"
"I know, it's because you lot eat your dinner over there."
"No, I don't!"
"Er, toast and stuff? It gets stuck and builds up. But, of course, it's never you..."
Jesus freakin' Christ, if I had her iron in my hand right now I wouldn't hesitate to use it...
And now she is letting my older sister go out, when she was 'supposedly' ill in bed all day! I mean, Abby isn't a very good actress, (though it's her chosen career, laugh out loud at her!!) but to pull a sickie and then go out partying?? Uh, even I thought the dim-witted Barbie doll chav had more sense.
My Mum is just jealous that her youthful days are over, no matter how much she tries to kid herself she is 21, thin and sexy.

Love, Maddie

Spunk Handsome...

People of the World,

We've all heard of Spunk Ransom, right?? Wait, you haven't...?? What planet are you from??

Spunk Ransom is the adorable nickname people have adopted for none other than my husband Robert Pattinson. :)

And, my Lord, is he handsome!! See for yourself...

But, hands off, cause he belongs to me; not that he would cheat on me, but...

Anyway, he happens to be playing Edward Cullen in Twilight, the greatest story ever written; besides Harry Potter and Romeo and Juliet. It's about a vampire who falls for a human, and oh, I'm a vampire... RAWR!!

So, people, don't just read Twilight and claim Edward has your heart, (for numerous reasons, one of them being Edward already has my heart to look after) read Twilight and be proud to be part of them phenomenon, don't just love it because of the hype tat it's getting.

That is all.

Love, Maddie

Miley Cyrus is such a slag...

People of the World,

Think about this one; in real life, would a 20 year old male go out with a 15 year old? (Ok, she is 16 now, but like it makes a difference!!)
Hello!!??!! Wake up, and smell the shit; Miley Cyrus' boyfriend is only dating her because 'apparently' (quotation marks intended) she's an AMAZING singer and she's very rich. Notice the sarcasm? Uh huh, yeah...
Only a deaf, dumb and blind man would EVER tell stupid Miley she was pretty and could sing. What I still don't understand is why she ever agreed to do the Vanity Fair shoot in the first place if she thought it would turn out horrible? The photographer did a good job making the picture ok to publish without fear of anyone fainting, but to have it thrown back in her face by a stupid, ignorant 15 year old? I feel for the photographer, she didn't deserve this.
Also, Miley goes out getting drunk and trying to sleep with other people's men. She truly is a twat.
Sing it with me now; 'Miley Cyrus is such a slag, such a slag...'

Love, Maddie

Silence does mean silence.

People of the World,

We had a minutes silence today to remember those who had fought in the Great War, World War II and who are now fighting in Iraq in the present.
Naturally, and out of pure respect, I kept silent; 'shushing!' people who were talking. I see this as the utmost direspect; of course, British school children are truly ignorant when it comes to matters like respect and grammar, which is off the subject but yet still neccessary. At times when I feel proud to be British (like Rememberance Sunday, for example) thefeelings are suddenly thwarted when a stupid girl would start laughing loudly, setting off the other lemmings. That's when I feel ashamed to be a school child.
Another thing that surprised me, and I'm naming no names, is that the muslim of the class was laughing louder than everyone. Yes, I know.
So, people of Britain, do remember you manners, don't be ignorant, it doesn't hurt. You won't have to get off your arse to do it.
And on that happy note, I leave.

Love, Maddie

See if you can recognise who this one's about;

You don't see them the way I do,
You don't see beneath their lies,
They're fake and chavs the lot of them,
You need to see underneath the disguise.

Since you've joined them you have transformed,
Into a rather strange new being.
They pull you one way, I pull you the other,
Though it's beyond your point of seeing.

So, please return my best friend,
She was a very cool girl.
She is the same old person
Beneath every fake nail and curl.

May add more, not sure.

Love, Maddie

There's something about Cambridge...

People of the World,

Yes, you heard me correctly, there is something about Cambridge. You see, I was there during the half-term holidays, and was surprised to find out that Cambridge is indeed a City.
Hold up... Cambridge?? A CITY?? There must be some mistake.
There I go again, taking the words right out of your tiny, gossip-needy mouths.
The conversation went like this;
"Nan, is Cambridge a City or a Village?"
"A Village... City?"
"Whaaat??" (My first eyes-pooping-out-of-the-head moment, and you thought it only happened in films. There, you are wrong.)
There you go, we were both as surprised as each other, though for different reasons. She seemed surprised by me thinking it was a Village, yet I remained gobsmacked at the idea of it as a City.
It certainly has the qualities to be a City; it has about a million Colleges that make up the University, you have the Hospital, you have the sexy and clever boys, you have the Shopping Centre, the Starbucks, the bus service, the beautiful parks and equally beautiful landscapes and houses. If only London was the same.
However, if someone like me lived there I would be awfully intimidated by all the nerds and old people that reside there. If I wished to visit the library, par exemple, and I spoke too loudly to some body, I would probably be murdered for disturbing the students who were studying. Then I would be embarrassed, which would be, er, embarrassing.
I have nothing against Cambridge, and I'm not saying everyone who lives there are either extremely clever or extremely old, (which is kind of true, my nan and grandad live near there) I am merely expressing my opinions, as usual.
Old people do seem to rather like the countryside, and sometimes I don't see why. Hmmm...
But Cambridge is so perfect, I don't see why I won't just put my clever-cap on and move there. The problem is; I love the City, however not this one.
As you would be mad to want to live there, you'd be mad not to want to.

Love, Maddie.

...And my ears did bleed.

People of the World,

Fucking Hell, can't someone listen to some music without their ears being attacked? Oh yes, another dig about someone's lack of talent in the area of singing, despite they have a record deal.
SARAH HARDING.
Woah, have you ever heard anything worse?
"Here I am, walking Primrose, wondering when I’m gonna see you again. So here I am, walking Primrose, wondering when I’m gonna see you again..." These are something you'd expect from Kate Bush; which means the members of Girls Aloud have hired a nutty songwriter, or actually found brains and turned bohemian.
Odds are, the second option will probably never happen in the case of the Girls Aloud crew.
But seriously, Sarah Harding? The poor, besotted twats who had voted Sarah into Girls Aloud were, as I said, poor and besotted... and let us not forget twats. They were probably so drunk with the sound of her *ahem* voice, that the terribleness of it exploded the eardrums, therefore causing them only to hear nice sounds. That's my scientific conclusion.
So, after finishing listening to 'The Promise' in which Sarah has a solo like no other, I nearly fainted and fell off my chair. Serious.
Sarah should be shot, and fast. Does anyone know if Mark Chapman has a grandson?
Aside from the jokes, let's be serious, no one deserves the evil wrath of a dead cat singing.

Love, Maddie.

A Camilla like no other...

People of the World,

Today's subject is Camilla Parker-Bowles. Yes, her.
The woman who will become Queen if the present Queen snuffs it, the other girlfriend, the chick who everybody hates... you get me, no?
Well, I was watching a TV programme about her yesterday, and it made her out to be a right bitch - which she evidently is. Under the fierce eye and glare of the media, she still managed to keep her relationship with Charles secret... now they're married; and it's 11 years since our beloved Diana died.
I can't remember that eventful day, I was a year old, but I do, however, remember the marriage of Charles and Camilla... and I can remember feeling ill at the sight of a horse in a dress.
But under her evilness, desperate bids for stardom and layers of make-up, is there a woman who just wants to wear nice dresses and have fun, despite the fact being 100 years old? Possibly, possibly.
I get the same impression from her that I get from other celebrities; that they want the media to fuck off and let them get on with their lives.
She seems to like being photographed regularly, which gives one the impression she seeks attention. Nethertheless, she emits an air of one who is highly important, which draws people in and makes her seem charming and bewitching to most of us.
But let us not forget she is the reason for the disposal of Princess Diana.
Ugly though she may be, you have to admit she is a glamourous steed.
Have a happy fireworks night,
Love, Maddie