Merry Xmas... not.

People of the World,

Well, it was quite sad to see Faith Williams, the second conjoined twin, pass away on Christmas Day. But quite frankly, if the world wanted to see conjoined twins dying we would go to China. It was still upsetting to watch and I feel for her parents. But they're young, so they'll be reproducing in no time.
Another sad thing I saw on the news on Boxing Day was the shooting of an English soldier on Christmas Eve. That really made me angry. I was literally sitting in the leather arm chair with steam coming out of my ears. I was fuming. All I could think was 'Get these boys out of Iraq and every other fucking Muslim country in the world before they terminate us all!'
It's starting to get worse, and if we don't try and stop these terrorists then we'll all die which isn't very nice to think about.

Well, tell me what you think.

Love, Maddie

Thou Shalt Not Kill, Thou Shalt Not Kill

People of the World,

Thou shalt not kill. Thou shalt not 'get down with the youths' and stab someone, thou shalt not use guns, thou shalt not hit and punch or kick, thou shalt not drop bombs and thou shalt not pick fights.
Someone once said to me 'If looks could kill...' whilst I was staring at them like the deranged, emo kid I am. It was funny, though I didn't break my mould, and it got me wondering if looks really could kill. That would be quite a joke... but what if words could kill, too? Then a lot of people would be dead, courtesy of me :)
If looks could kill, however, I would almost certainly be dead right now and you wouldn't have my beautiful words to relate to, would you? That would be a shame, wouldn't it?
But there are just some people who are just asking to be murdered with a look or a word, aren't there? Like those people on the radio who do that sarcastic role-play thing every afternoon which sometimes isn't all that funny.
But other people who are really innocent when presented with the idea of smoking weed and drinking even though they know their best friend does it, then when someone else offers it they get really excited and practically piss themselves. It's like... what the fuck?

Hmm... these are the things that keep me awake pondering over them.

Love, Maddie

Take This and That...

People of the World,

How funny was the Royal Variety Performance last night? Jimmy Carr was quite funny... but some of his jokes weren't incredibly roll-around-on-the-floor funny, just chuckle-worthy funny. Meh, who am I to judge (even though I'm going to do it anyway)? At least Camilla and Charles liked it.
But the performance of Take That is still continuing to stun me... Gary Barlow seemed rather civilised whilst poor Mark Owen was bopping around like a monkey on high or some sort of horse tranquilisers. Maybe he is on crack...??
But if I'm going to marry this man he's going to have to give me a snort once in a while or give it up altogether. I'll decide when we have children.
Mark was really good when he sung Shine, perhaps the only song in which he has a solo.

Love, Maddie

:)

People of the World,

'Forgive and Forget'... that's what the Wiseman said. Actually, it was Erin. She also said 'Tis the season to be jolly' which are indeedy very wise words.
I've decided, prior to Erin's words, that I'm not going to be mean... for the time being, anyway.
I've been getting bored of bitching and arguing, so I'm going to stop for now because it's CHRISTMAS BABY!! We should all be out at mad parties... but I never get invited to them so when we have parties at home I dress like the Queen Bee and dance like there's no tomorrow.
Erin, you're still invited... so bring your Mum and Dad.

And, Simone: You can come on Sunday... but only because I'm feeling nice.

Love, Maddie

America got it wrong...

GREETINGS!! (now imagine me saying that grinning like a retard with my braces on full show)

Yes, greetings, earthlings.
So I was just checking my emails via msn, when something popped up; Lily Allen Lashes Out
So I was thinkning; god, Lil, who have you hit now? When indeed it wasn't that she had hit someone, merely insulting... which is what she usually does.
Guess who it was?? KATY FREAKIN' PERRY!!
The girl who can't sing, the girl who kissed a girl, the wannabe...
That's her right there.
Lily thinks that America tried to duplicate her, as they wanted someone kooky and quirky like her (for the record, neither of them are kooky or quirky...)
America is so wrong, Katy can't even sing and she isn't successful.
Then Katy was like; Aha, I'm like a fatter version of Amy Winehouse and a skinnier version of Lily Allen!
Who says things like that about the more successful people?? Katy is a stoopid lesbian, who is jealous. And she is so not skinnier than Lily...
But good on Lily for saying; It's like, you're not English and you don't write your own songs, shut up!
Lily is so right it is not even funny. She took the words right out of my mouth.

Lily, I would kiss you if it wasn't for this headbrace holding me back...

Love, Maddie

"I'm in the business of misery, let's take it from the top..."

People of this cruel, harsh World we unfortunately have to live in,

I wanna cry. I really wanna cry.
I am getting braces tomorrow; which means tonight is my last night of mouthly freedom for another year. I will never have crooked teeth again.
I should be cherishing the moment; taking countless photographs of my wonky gob or eating fatty and sugary sweets just to piss off the orthodontist. But I'm not. I'm doing homework and listening to my music. Ahh, sweet, sweet music... mostly my beloved Paramore.

Will be back soon,

Love, Maddie

... I actually stood close to this beauty.

People of the World,

This is my glorious Husband, Robert Pattinson/Edward Cullen.
Believe you me, I actually went to the London premiere of the film Twilight on Wednesday, got to the front of the crowds and filmed Rob! I'm so lucky.
That day, mine and Erin's lives were complete :)

You should be so jealous.

Love, Maddie

Old Mothers tales...

People of the World,

Eurgh! I hate my Mum. She is such a horrible, mean, self-obsessed, over-weight and ugly piece of shit, and she is also mean about my friends behind their backs; calling one of them lardy and another anorexic. All because I wouldn't tidy away my socks and I had a go at my sister, who was mocking me saying; "Oh, Maddie can't sort out her socks because she is different."
I mean, fuck her... fuck them both, my mum and the miserable shit I call *ahem* a sister. Stupid bitches.
Fucking Hell, she is doing it again!!!!!! Can she ever stop?????? Will she ever stop?????
Chances are, she probably won't until I buy her a house in the Carribean. That's OK, though, it means one less wedding invitation to write and one less Cristmas present to buy.
This is the other incident;
"Mum, the 'H' button is stuck,"
"I know, it's because you lot eat your dinner over there."
"No, I don't!"
"Er, toast and stuff? It gets stuck and builds up. But, of course, it's never you..."
Jesus freakin' Christ, if I had her iron in my hand right now I wouldn't hesitate to use it...
And now she is letting my older sister go out, when she was 'supposedly' ill in bed all day! I mean, Abby isn't a very good actress, (though it's her chosen career, laugh out loud at her!!) but to pull a sickie and then go out partying?? Uh, even I thought the dim-witted Barbie doll chav had more sense.
My Mum is just jealous that her youthful days are over, no matter how much she tries to kid herself she is 21, thin and sexy.

Love, Maddie

Spunk Handsome...

People of the World,

We've all heard of Spunk Ransom, right?? Wait, you haven't...?? What planet are you from??

Spunk Ransom is the adorable nickname people have adopted for none other than my husband Robert Pattinson. :)

And, my Lord, is he handsome!! See for yourself...

But, hands off, cause he belongs to me; not that he would cheat on me, but...

Anyway, he happens to be playing Edward Cullen in Twilight, the greatest story ever written; besides Harry Potter and Romeo and Juliet. It's about a vampire who falls for a human, and oh, I'm a vampire... RAWR!!

So, people, don't just read Twilight and claim Edward has your heart, (for numerous reasons, one of them being Edward already has my heart to look after) read Twilight and be proud to be part of them phenomenon, don't just love it because of the hype tat it's getting.

That is all.

Love, Maddie

Miley Cyrus is such a slag...

People of the World,

Think about this one; in real life, would a 20 year old male go out with a 15 year old? (Ok, she is 16 now, but like it makes a difference!!)
Hello!!??!! Wake up, and smell the shit; Miley Cyrus' boyfriend is only dating her because 'apparently' (quotation marks intended) she's an AMAZING singer and she's very rich. Notice the sarcasm? Uh huh, yeah...
Only a deaf, dumb and blind man would EVER tell stupid Miley she was pretty and could sing. What I still don't understand is why she ever agreed to do the Vanity Fair shoot in the first place if she thought it would turn out horrible? The photographer did a good job making the picture ok to publish without fear of anyone fainting, but to have it thrown back in her face by a stupid, ignorant 15 year old? I feel for the photographer, she didn't deserve this.
Also, Miley goes out getting drunk and trying to sleep with other people's men. She truly is a twat.
Sing it with me now; 'Miley Cyrus is such a slag, such a slag...'

Love, Maddie

Silence does mean silence.

People of the World,

We had a minutes silence today to remember those who had fought in the Great War, World War II and who are now fighting in Iraq in the present.
Naturally, and out of pure respect, I kept silent; 'shushing!' people who were talking. I see this as the utmost direspect; of course, British school children are truly ignorant when it comes to matters like respect and grammar, which is off the subject but yet still neccessary. At times when I feel proud to be British (like Rememberance Sunday, for example) thefeelings are suddenly thwarted when a stupid girl would start laughing loudly, setting off the other lemmings. That's when I feel ashamed to be a school child.
Another thing that surprised me, and I'm naming no names, is that the muslim of the class was laughing louder than everyone. Yes, I know.
So, people of Britain, do remember you manners, don't be ignorant, it doesn't hurt. You won't have to get off your arse to do it.
And on that happy note, I leave.

Love, Maddie

See if you can recognise who this one's about;

You don't see them the way I do,
You don't see beneath their lies,
They're fake and chavs the lot of them,
You need to see underneath the disguise.

Since you've joined them you have transformed,
Into a rather strange new being.
They pull you one way, I pull you the other,
Though it's beyond your point of seeing.

So, please return my best friend,
She was a very cool girl.
She is the same old person
Beneath every fake nail and curl.

May add more, not sure.

Love, Maddie

There's something about Cambridge...

People of the World,

Yes, you heard me correctly, there is something about Cambridge. You see, I was there during the half-term holidays, and was surprised to find out that Cambridge is indeed a City.
Hold up... Cambridge?? A CITY?? There must be some mistake.
There I go again, taking the words right out of your tiny, gossip-needy mouths.
The conversation went like this;
"Nan, is Cambridge a City or a Village?"
"A Village... City?"
"Whaaat??" (My first eyes-pooping-out-of-the-head moment, and you thought it only happened in films. There, you are wrong.)
There you go, we were both as surprised as each other, though for different reasons. She seemed surprised by me thinking it was a Village, yet I remained gobsmacked at the idea of it as a City.
It certainly has the qualities to be a City; it has about a million Colleges that make up the University, you have the Hospital, you have the sexy and clever boys, you have the Shopping Centre, the Starbucks, the bus service, the beautiful parks and equally beautiful landscapes and houses. If only London was the same.
However, if someone like me lived there I would be awfully intimidated by all the nerds and old people that reside there. If I wished to visit the library, par exemple, and I spoke too loudly to some body, I would probably be murdered for disturbing the students who were studying. Then I would be embarrassed, which would be, er, embarrassing.
I have nothing against Cambridge, and I'm not saying everyone who lives there are either extremely clever or extremely old, (which is kind of true, my nan and grandad live near there) I am merely expressing my opinions, as usual.
Old people do seem to rather like the countryside, and sometimes I don't see why. Hmmm...
But Cambridge is so perfect, I don't see why I won't just put my clever-cap on and move there. The problem is; I love the City, however not this one.
As you would be mad to want to live there, you'd be mad not to want to.

Love, Maddie.

...And my ears did bleed.

People of the World,

Fucking Hell, can't someone listen to some music without their ears being attacked? Oh yes, another dig about someone's lack of talent in the area of singing, despite they have a record deal.
SARAH HARDING.
Woah, have you ever heard anything worse?
"Here I am, walking Primrose, wondering when I’m gonna see you again. So here I am, walking Primrose, wondering when I’m gonna see you again..." These are something you'd expect from Kate Bush; which means the members of Girls Aloud have hired a nutty songwriter, or actually found brains and turned bohemian.
Odds are, the second option will probably never happen in the case of the Girls Aloud crew.
But seriously, Sarah Harding? The poor, besotted twats who had voted Sarah into Girls Aloud were, as I said, poor and besotted... and let us not forget twats. They were probably so drunk with the sound of her *ahem* voice, that the terribleness of it exploded the eardrums, therefore causing them only to hear nice sounds. That's my scientific conclusion.
So, after finishing listening to 'The Promise' in which Sarah has a solo like no other, I nearly fainted and fell off my chair. Serious.
Sarah should be shot, and fast. Does anyone know if Mark Chapman has a grandson?
Aside from the jokes, let's be serious, no one deserves the evil wrath of a dead cat singing.

Love, Maddie.

A Camilla like no other...

People of the World,

Today's subject is Camilla Parker-Bowles. Yes, her.
The woman who will become Queen if the present Queen snuffs it, the other girlfriend, the chick who everybody hates... you get me, no?
Well, I was watching a TV programme about her yesterday, and it made her out to be a right bitch - which she evidently is. Under the fierce eye and glare of the media, she still managed to keep her relationship with Charles secret... now they're married; and it's 11 years since our beloved Diana died.
I can't remember that eventful day, I was a year old, but I do, however, remember the marriage of Charles and Camilla... and I can remember feeling ill at the sight of a horse in a dress.
But under her evilness, desperate bids for stardom and layers of make-up, is there a woman who just wants to wear nice dresses and have fun, despite the fact being 100 years old? Possibly, possibly.
I get the same impression from her that I get from other celebrities; that they want the media to fuck off and let them get on with their lives.
She seems to like being photographed regularly, which gives one the impression she seeks attention. Nethertheless, she emits an air of one who is highly important, which draws people in and makes her seem charming and bewitching to most of us.
But let us not forget she is the reason for the disposal of Princess Diana.
Ugly though she may be, you have to admit she is a glamourous steed.
Have a happy fireworks night,
Love, Maddie

Miss Naked Beauty

People of the World,

Gok Wan is a joke, do you agree?
The thing is, I turned on the TV on Tuesday evening, and 'Miss Naked Beauty' came on, another one of those reality shows with huge naked fat women parading around.
Cue flabby, insecure women flashing, yet moaning about their wobbly bits whilst viewers sit and cringe behind their pillows.
The programme is so unrealistic that the supposedly 'prettiest, most perfect and modelesque' girl has a panic attack when everyone is asked to have their least favourite body parts photographed. How do you think that makes the rest of them feel? Later on she apologised and realised she had a stupid reaction; God, now she realises! Surprisingly, she isn't sent home. A young blonde girl who has her lower back photographed and an older lady with tree-trunk legs are sent home.
Then they try and get a plus-sized mannequin into a shop window of a large retailer on Oxford Street, which, had they been in Paris or Milan, would have been laughed at. Some clothes just don't look good on a plus-sized girl, but they don't realise that. It's high time they gave up.
My only problem with the show, apart from Gok Wan being a fake, is that they are giving the girls false spirits and also being very contradictory.
For example, they say the programme welcomes girls of all sizes, yet the women they show are all crisp-guzzling lard-mongers, except for the odd size 10 - which is rare.

According to Gok, women in Britain are separated into two different groups; the real woman (fat women) and the unreal woman (anorexics). What happens if you are neither curvy nor skinny? What category do you fall into? What if you are inbetween? Apparently, they don't exist.

Love, Maddie

Famous for Being Famous

People of the World,

My next Post is about people who are 'Famous for Being Famous'. I'm talking about the likes of Kelly Osbourne, Pixie and Peaches Geldof, Princesses Eugenie and Beatrice and Paris Hilton.

Personally, I can't tell the difference between Pixie Geldof and a Pug, can you? Didn't think so :)

I hate Kelly Osbourne because she is fat, ugly, and worthless, so is Pixie, Peaches is stupid and unreliable as well as ugly and worthless and if Beatrice or Eugenie ever become Queen; I will shoot myself in the foot and immigrate to Holland. Enough said.

But I do like having a good old bitch about fat people, ahem; Kelly O.

Paris Hilton, who thinks that running for President will make her seem smarter, is the dumbest of them all. She is also blonde, has a face like a bashed up parrot and rather boring to see in the newspaper every single day. Do you agree?

What do you think of bimbos and girls who are famous for being famous? Tell me, I wanna know.

Love, Maddie

People of the world,

Woah! My first blog on 'Maddie Loves Your Mother', and God I am excited! Are you?
The truth is, I don't really love your mother, I have my own, thanks, but the name is a sign of what this blog is all about; the fact that I speak my mind clearly, say what I have to say and I won't change that for you. Understand where I'm coming from? I knew you would :)
I have been told that speaking my mind would result in me getting in trouble, but to be honest I'm not the kind of person who does what she is told, or shuts her mouth for more than a few seconds.
Don't rely on me to update this everyday like a stupid old man who has nothing better to do -no. I'll post a new blog when I feel like it, once in a while, twice a week. Whatever.

Enjoy the show!

Love, Maddie